Memoirs of a Hero
by In Darkness Is Light
Summary: Some are heroes by choice, others because they have no choice. Minato-centered oneshot.


_**Author's Note: **Hello everyone! This fic is the direct result of too much time on one's hands, a sense of curiosity and an fascination with everything pre-manga. Thank you very much to snappa for kind of beta-ing my fic. :) Please enjoy and don't forget to review._

Disclaimer: I do _not_ own Naruto.

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There had never been a time when Minato had questioned his existence, his purpose as much as he did now.

Being the Hokage, he had many burdens to lift, many expectations to meet. He had been overjoyed when they'd elected him Hokage of the village and he never once thought that one day he'd be questioning his position. Now, as he Kyuubi advanced, he was going to be forced to make a choice: Village or family?

The title Hokage clearly outlined that village must come first yet his gut instinct was telling him that family was more important. Shinobi and civilians were giving their lives on the front line, while back home, Kushina was giving birth to his child. What should he do? Sacrifice his life as well, be remembered as brave and valiant if he died, or should he flee and be with the two people in the world he loved most at this moment? The question was without a doubt, the most difficult one he had yet to answer in his life and his mind and heart fought, each pulling him in a different direction.

Right now, he wanted nothing more than to throw his title into the hands of some unsuspecting shinobi, and to tell him, "You're Hokage now!" then run off to be in the hospital delivery room and hold Kushina's hand while she gave birth. He wanted nothing more than to shove the honour and the responsibility and the expectations into someone else's arms and take cover.

He'd been in many gory battles in his life; he'd fought many hard fights. But this time was different. This time he was scared. He felt like a little kid, so weak and vulnerable. He didn't want to die; he didn't want to sacrifice his life for the village. Why him? Why not someone else? Sure, he had spent time developing a technique specifically for this moment, specifically to save the village, but now all he wanted to do was teach it to someone else and let them sacrifice their lives. It wasn't fair, he decided. Why him? Why now? He was only 29, still so young, and he was about to become a father!

Now he was beginning to see what people meant by the phrase 'You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone'. He wondered now if he'd ever have a chance to just lay by Kushina again and tell her he loved her, or tease Kakashi and Rin about a relationship that was clearly there but both were too blind to notice, or to thank his sensei one last time for all that he'd taught him. He wondered if he'd ever see his child grow up, or take him to his first day at the academy; if he'd ever just spend a father-son day or be there to comfort his child when he was upset. He wanted to curse Sarutobi right where he stood, curse him for bestowing this fake and unwarranted honour upon him. This was not what he wanted. This was not what he had signed up for.

Minato was at his breaking point, so frazzled and frustrated. The questions kept plaguing him, the people around him kept dying, and there couldn't have been a worse time for his mind to create all this doubt and self-questioning. It was hard to even think amongst all the chaos going on around him, much less think enough to pose questions. The most obvious question still stood out like a live shinobi on the otherwise deserted battlefield: Village or family? His mind reminded him of his duties as Hokage of Konoha but his heart countered that by relaying images of Kushina and the potential life they could lead. Then again, Kushina and his child were part of the village; they were part of the place he'd sworn to protect. He hardly wanted his child to grow up in a war-torn village, so dilapidated and desolate that it may as well have not existed.

With that in mind, his decision was made; he would be the sacrifice, the one to stop the chaotic Kyuubi from tearing the village apart piece by piece. He would die but not for the village, no; he would die for his family, his teacher, and his students. He would die courageously, fearlessly, recklessly for those he cared about most. Minato was just about to begin the sealing technique that would end his life, when a shinobi he trusted with his life, Uchiha Fugaku (and who had also been assigned to make sure that nothing happened to Rin while she helped Kushina deliver the child), came up to him, a grim look on his face.

"What is it?" Minato asked harshly, not wanting to wait any longer to begin saving the village. He was afraid that if he waited too long, he'd chicken out.

"Hokage-sama…Minato-san…I-I'm very sorry. You have a boy."

Sorry? Why should he be apologizing? Minato knew that he was going to have a son; the hospital had confirmed it months ago.

"That's great!" Minato exclaimed, overjoyed that the delivery of his child had been a success. But Fugaku's face conveyed another message, a much darker and depressing one.

"You have a son," the man repeated, "but…oh God Minato. How do I tell you this? Kushina died during delivery…there were complications." He paused to let the news sink in, feeling helpless. Minato had entrusted him with protecting her and Fugaku felt like a jerk because he hadn't even been able to do that…hadn't been able to lift just this one burden off his friend's…his comrade's shoulders.

Minato's light-hearted expression immediately dropped from his face and a much darker countenance overtook him.

"I'm sorry…I wish that were all the bad news I had to deliver." At this moment, he motioned for another shinobi, an ANBU to come forward. As the ANBU came closer, Minato noticed that he had a small blue bundle wrapped in his arms. _Naruto. _He also recognized the ANBU member as Kakashi, who was looking just as frayed as he was at the moment. "Sensei," Kakashi panted as he handed over the bundle, "I'm so sorry about Kushina. Here's Naruto."

Minato couldn't even bear to look at his son, for every time he saw his son's eyes, his heart tore open and tears threatened to fall. The kid looked so much like Kushina that it tormented him. Still, he was their son and he couldn't help but feel a surge of fatherly pride and parental love every time he gazed down at the small baby, no matter how much it hurt him.

Kakashi was the one to finally break Minato out of his reverie. "I'm sorry, I would express more grief at the situation but I need to focus on getting back and finding Rin," he piped in, his voice panicked. "I lost her in the crowd of shinobi and there's no way in hell I'm losing her for good."

Minato nodded in understanding, and put on a brave face. "Make sure you find her and keep her safe." Kakashi didn't need to be told twice; he was already going away but while still within hearing range, he called out to his sensei. "Hey! Minato-sensei!"

The man in question looked up at his former student, now turned ANBU soldier. "Good luck! I know that you're faced with one of the hardest situations right now, but I know you're strong enough to beat anything! I-Rin-everyone has faith in you sensei! And as strange and creepy as this may sound, just know that we love you and you've impacted our lives more than you can imagine!" And with that Kakashi was gone, off to find the one person he was sure he still had a chance to save.

Minato smiled faintly, feeling more relieved in this particular moment than he had in the past few hours. He sent Fugaku away, thanking him for his camaraderie and information and for having kept his end of the agreement.

He was feeling slightly more positive, more ready about everything now…or at least he was until he looked over at the shinobi of his village. Their final cries were to him, cries of "Save us!" and cries of desperation and fear and pain. The battlefield was red with their blood and all that remained of most of them were their ashes, the Kyuubi burning everything in sight, as it got closer. Their cries were what made him be reduced back to his previous state of mind, to the self-doubt, the helplessness and the hatred. Part of him wanted to scream, "I'm sorry!" at them while the other part wanted to scream "What's wrong with you?! Don't count on me! I'm not some god…I'm like you! I'm just human…like you…" Didn't they think that he was scared? Didn't they wonder about _his _feelings, consider _his_ loss? Too much time spent as a shinobi was beginning to manifest itself in the most bitter and devastating way possible. But at least his mind was made up.

Yes, if it hadn't been clear what the path he must walk down was, it definitely was clear now. He would die and the village would label him a hero, unaware of all that his mind had produced in his final hour of life and even more blatantly unaware of the selfish reasons behind his death. Now the option of death seemed rather convenient to him. After all, what did he really have to live for? The village did not seem care much for him, only his flashy techniques and impressive shinobi skills. Sensei was never there; Kushina had died, he couldn't even look at his kid without being disgusted with himself for not having been there with her; Kakashi and Rin? Maybe they were worth living for, but they had each other now. They didn't necessarily need him anymore for comfort and support. It seemed that the world was turning against him now, mocking him and displaying his insignificance, his uselessness for all to see. That was fine by him though; it just made what he had to do easier to do.

It all seemed strange to him. During the months he'd used to figure out this sealing technique, he'd always seen his death as something glorified, valiant, and respected. He never considered that it might be quite the opposite.

_So this is how a hero spends his final moments, huh?_ He mused bitterly. _Alone, scared, repulsed with himself, confused, loathing. No joy, no glory, no feeling of completion. Oh world, how you have lied to me…cursed me with bad luck and a horrible twist of fate. You'll get away with it with me, but just don't do it to others._

He was going to die because of the village, not for them. They had forced this upon him, and unknowing of the repercussions, he had taken the bait they'd so meticulously laid out for him. And what would happen to him if he walked away? What would happen if he didn't sacrifice himself, if he didn't die? Oh, the citizens of Konoha would, without a doubt, ensure that he was publicly and nationally disgraced, stripped of all his possessions and he'd probably be beaten to death in the public square or starved to death or something equally as horrendous. He was certain that Morino Ibiki, the young man heading up the ANBU's Torture and Interrogation squad would plot the most disrespectful and sadistic death for him. For someone of Minato's character and calibre, it was hardly a desired way to go.

He couldn't think for too much longer though; the Kyuubi was practically in front of him now and in an instant, all the anger he had felt for the village and the world seemed to be pushed to the back of his mind and his fear, courage and pride were the three last emotions to surface, the last he'd ever experience. He formed the hand seals needed and began the sealing of the Kyuubi. Much to his chagrin, he discovered that he was not nearly as powerful as he thought but he simply couldn't let the Kyuubi advance any further. His eyes darted to the battlefield behind him, searching for some shinobi to capture and stick the other half of the Kyuubi in. But there was no one in sight, they had all taken cover the moment they realized what was going on. The only choice he had was…Naruto, who was the only living being near him. Minato quickly decided that if there was a hell, it had taken time to come to the real world and it wanted his soul. With no time to think about what to do, he lifted Naruto with one hand and began sealing the other half of the Kyuubi in the boy. When it was all over with, he put Naruto back down on the safety of a wood stump and collapsed to the ground.

The remaining shinobi, who had taken his collapsing for his death, had promptly ran from behind the shield of forestry and shrubbery and began their cheers of joy that they'd been saved. Of the few that still remained, Minato recognized a pair, Kakashi and Rin, who looked over at his body, completely mortified. He tried to get a better look at them, but his vision was too blurred. It wasn't because he was dying though; it was because tears were forming in his eyes. It was amazing, the amount of pain he'd managed to cause all the people he loved in these last few hours. Part of him thought that he deserved death, while the other part thought that it was him being a coward and taking the easy way out. His breath hitched in his throat and his heart rate started to slow. _No, _he thought._ No, there's still one more thing I have to do._

He shifted his body ever so slightly until he was within arm's reach of Naruto. He took the child in his arms and rocked him gently. "I'm so sorry, Naruto," he told the small boy. "Please forgive me."

He then turned his gaze towards the skies. "I'm so sorry, Kushina," he apologized to her as well. "Please forgive me."

A wave of sudden relief, or dizziness, he wasn't quite sure which, rushed over him and he felt that now he could pass on feeling a little more at peace with the world and himself. By the time the villagers had noticed that he'd moved, it was too late. Nothing could be done to save Minato, Yondaime Hokage, though a splendorous funeral was held in his honour and all those who lived then would forever remember him as the courageous one who saved the village, the one who had made the ultimate sacrifice and epitomized what it meant to be a Hokage.

Although everyone was grateful for his sacrifice and happy that they managed to get out alive, after the battle was over and won, there were a few who looked at the former Hokage's lifeless form and wondered if heroism was all it was really cracked up to be. Of course, they'd shake their heads and remind themselves that they were being silly, but they couldn't help but wonder. And Minato, now watching over them in the starry sky, couldn't help but hope that they'd never find out.

Some are heroes by choice, others because they have no choice.

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_**Author's Note:** Hope you all liked it and hope it made you think. Please leave a review with plenty of constructive criticism for me and make my day._


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